September 27, 2014

"He despised canned cranberry sauce, wearing shorts, cigarette butts in his driveway, oatmeal, loud-mouth know-it-alls, Tabasco sauce, reality TV shows, and anything to do with the Kardashians."

From an obituary for Raymond Alan "Big Al" Brownley, sent to me by a reader familiar with my long-term "men in shorts" theme.
... Big Al had many loves, too. He loved his wife... He also dearly loved his children and grandchildren... He also loved milk shakes, fried shrimp, the Steelers, the Playboy channel, Silky's Gentlemens Club, taking afternoon naps in his recliner, hanging out at the VFW, playing poker, eating jelly beans by the handful, and his hunting dogs — his favorite being Holly Hill Rip Van Winkle, a loyal beagle that answered to the nickname of Rip.... His fondness of spaghetti Westerns was only surpassed by his love of bacon, beer and butter pecan ice cream. He fondly reminisced about good friends, good drinks and good times at the Tri-Valley Sportsmens Club in Burgettstown. He was a long-time member of the Elks Club in McKees Rocks where he frequently bartended and generously donated his tips to charity. Quite a teller of tales, Big Al's elaborate stories often were punctuated with the phrase, "And that's when I kicked his ass." He enjoyed outlaw country music: Waylon, Willie, Hank, Johnny. He was also on a first-name basis with the Four Horsemen of liquor: Jack, Jim, Johnnie and Jose....
Read the whole thing. And goodbye to Big Al, who was 82.

44 comments:

traditionalguy said...

"He was highly proficient at cursing" is great obituary speak. My kind of guy.

MadisonMan said...

Awesome obituary. But that almost certainly cost the family more than $1000 to publish. I'd like to thank them for an entertaining read.

David said...

"Life is hard; but it's harder if you're stupid"

--Big Al

Makes me even more proud to be a Western Pennsylvanian.

furious_a said...

Navy, too. Reminds me of my Beaver County relatives of the same age.

SociallyExtinct said...

The people who should call the shots in America are unfortunately those who relish obscurity.

buwaya said...

He would have made a better President than the last 3, maybe 4.

Birches said...

That obit was worth the money.

paminwi said...

Good golly, I wish I had known the guy. I made my husband read the obit and said I want you to put in my obit "she hated 3 bean salad!"

Rest well Big Al!

Mark said...

Never met him and I miss him.

The Crack Emcee said...

Goodbye, silly white man with no black interests,...

Paddy O said...

to Bill Brasky!

William said...

How much more complete and significant his life would have been had it ended seven years earlier at age seventy five. Gerentologists have discovered that strongly held opinions on short pants are almost invariably a forerunner to senile dementia.

Anonymous said...

Typical white man. When it is said that he despised "loud-mouth know-it-alls" he is clearly referencing those who stand against racial oppression: you know, them black people. "Quite a teller of tales": code-speak for loving racial jokes. Probably knew tons of them, them black people are always fun to make fun of, reducing their humanity to a caricature that can be casually dismissed. And "butter pecan ice cream": everyone knows 'butter pecan' is the Confederate Flag of ice creams. White people, never seeing what is right in front of you...

It is turtles all the way down...

I'm Full of Soup said...

Crack's comment made me laugh. Maybe there is some hope for him afterall.

Anonymous said...

"eating jelly beans by the handful...": you just know he was careful to remove all the black ones first.

It is turtles all the way down...

Anonymous said...

"He fondly reminisced about good friends, good drinks and good times at the Tri-Valley Sportsmens Club in Burgettstown." Good times: no doubt his wonderful supremacist years during the Jim Crow America -- fond memories for Big Al. Yeah, I bet black people were welcome at the Tri-Valley Sportsmen Club -- to clean the dishes and mop the floors...

It is turtles all the way down...

richard mcenroe said...


El crack, que tiene intereses en negro probablemente lo mantuvo vivo todo este tiempo ...

richard mcenroe said...

Do you get the feeling Big Al wouldn't be caught dead climbing into an active volcano for a cool tweet?

Krumhorn said...

Without having seen the death certificate, it's clear he was done in by diabetes. Had a raging case, no doubt. Would that qualify as a black interest?

- Krumhorn

Connie said...

I think I would love to sit down and have a few with Big Al.

Sam L. said...

bm3k, there ain't nuthin bettern turtle ice cream, with choklit n caramel added to them pecans.

Anonymous said...

Whatever wealth Big Al accumulated in his life -- stolen, like all American wealth, from the forced efforts of blacks -- will no doubt be left to his white children and white grandchildren, so the cycle of white supremacy can begin anew. Big (White) Al would've wanted it this way...

It is turtles all the way down...

Known Unknown said...

At one point in time, Big Al did show some level of interest in Kordell Stewart.

Maybe that qualifies as a black interest.

Anonymous said...

If Big Al had been black his obituary would've been so vastly different: foremost, whites wouldn't be bothered to even read it.

It is turtles all the way down...

RLB_IV said...

What an interesting obit.
“Big Al was world-renowned for his lack of patience, not holding back his opinion, and a knack for telling it like it is. Big Al was known for his timeless words of wisdom, including "Life is hard; but it's harder if you're stupid" and "Don't be a jackass."

He sounds a lot like some blog commenters.

Leslie Graves said...

Butter pecan ice cream. My father, who was a few years older than Big Al, also loved this ice cream and always referred to it as his favorite.

I think if a survey was done of people under the age of 60, almost no one would claim butter pecan as their favorite.

It makes me wonder if there was some ice cream manufacturer active in the 1940s and 50s who made some particularly sainted version of this.

Gerrard787 said...

Thanks for my laughs of the day betamax3000.

Anonymous said...

To hell with Big Al..who wrote the obit?

Anonymous said...

Maybe black people should write the obituaries for white people when they die. Might see some uncomfortable truths come to light...

It is turtles all the way down...

Anonymous said...

An example of a black man writing the obituary for a white man:

"Goodbye, silly white man with no black interests,..."

Puts it in perspective, doesn't it?

It is turtles all the way down...

Captain Ned said...

Reminds me of no one more than Ralphie's dad (Darren McGavin) in "A Christmas Story". The guy at the end of the bar who you don't know from nothing when you walk in, but with whom are lifelong friends as you walk out. The world could use a few more Big Als.

Birches said...

At one point in time, Big Al did show some level of interest in Kordell Stewart.

Maybe that qualifies as a black interest.


I agree.
It's everyone be nice to Crack day!

RLB_IV said...

Kordell, nailed by a tax lien in Georgia.
Crack deserves a break today.Life is looking up for him he's out from under his lien.

Dr.D said...

Does the Cracked MC ever think about any thing other than race?

Some one could could comment that "the sky is blue," and the CrackHead would find something racial in that.

His whining is so tedious and tiresome, it would be really nice if he could say something intelligent (contributing to the conversation), or simply shut up.

Does Ol' Crack ever think about just how fortunate he is to live in America where blacks have prospered far beyond what they ever did in Africa? Is he grateful (as he should be) that one of his ancestors was brought here, so that he could enjoy the freedom and prosperity he has? Does he realize that these blessings all come to him at the hands of beneficent white men, the very folks he despises? It is not smart to bite the hand that feeds you, but this is clearly beyond his comprehension.

Mark Caplan said...

The reason grown American men wear shorts is the same reason we say "yeah" (ja) and "gesundheit," the same reason we venerate the military and have the best universities, the same reason we dominate the world, or try to -- Americans are essentially Germans.

jeff said...

"Without having seen the death certificate, it's clear he was done in by diabetes." Well sure. An active 82 year old, what other possible explanation could there be?

President-Mom-Jeans said...

"One of several born of a whore, deserted by his biological father, and raised by former slaves (time travel, don't ask you racist)the dearly departed enjoyed E-begging and blaming whitey for his poverty and lack of talent. He also briefly had a relationship with a murderer. Perhaps best remembered for being the kept diversity token of a box wine swilling third rate academic. Crack left behind several bastard children none of whom could be bothered to write nor pay for this obituary."

Here are some reparations for you Crack, I wrote your obituary.

Humperdink said...

Grew up east of McKees Rocks, Pa. A rugged town to be sure. There was a section of McKees Rocks called the Bottoms. An area to avoid.

I used to drive through Rocks to get to work on Neville Island. One morning en route to work(circa 1980), three of us decide to stop for breakfast in McKees Rocks. Three eggs and toast $.89. Not kidding.

Crackers said...

Thanks y'all, for making my point. And betamax, you're gonna have to read more to get the tone right:

Black women don't need no 3/5s rule.

They weren't the ones taking slaves,...

Crack

Crackers said...

Dr.D and PMJ are national treasures,...

Crackers said...

That last post was in case anyone white can't spot OBVIOUS racism.

Dr.D and PMJ hit the bullseye.

Got it?

And yet they are here.

To harass me. Not you - because you're not - just me.

I get to be special.

Forever and ever.

But don't call it white supremacy.

Ann makes the rules.

What race is she again?

Say anything about your collective virtue, I'll buy it:

I'm just a stupid nigger, don't know nothin',...

furious_a said...

Western PA, avid hunter -- was Big Al bitterly clinging to his gun at the end?

Humperdink said...

From his cold, dead (white) hands.

Well maybe ashen at that point.

Anonymous said...


Re: "And betamax, you're gonna have to read more to get the tone right:

Black women don't need no 3/5s rule."


Well, I did specify white women:

"Three-fifths of a vote for white women now..." etc etc

-b3k